Jure's Blog

My realtime thoughts - Monologue for Me

2011-11-13T21:12:00.001+01:00

Hmm, it really fking annoys me, I always think how I'm going to be doing something, and I get a rush of motivation and... and... and then energy just fades, over time, it could be 1 minute, 5 minutes, 15 minutes, 1 hour, 1 day, or whole week... But eventually, it passes away. What the heck, why can't I stay focused and positive? I read so many things and I am able to answer to all the questions in my mind. I know the solution, oh yes I do. But I still don't do it. Why? I know why.

It just takes momentum and then things go in the right direction.. but before you activate the very momentum, you need a plot. And that, usually, is 99% of the work you're gonna do. What disappoints me, sometimes I spend hours on plotting and planning and after all I end up oversleeping or something, and the whole thing collapses.

Aaargh, I stopped writing the last paragraph at 6:41pm and now it's 7:17pm ... and what have I used this time for? Absolutely nothing valuable. Chatting on Facebook, checking various mails and notifications, listening to some retarded music. Some say, this is considered entertainment - heck if it is, I would have felt better after doing all this.... I am slowly realizing, I am really not a free man. I am being manipulated by things, that are put on my path to anywhere I go. And I think they are put there with a purpose to distract.

Exactly two weeks, eight hours and fifty minutes ago my father died in an accident. He fell from a rooftop of a building he was working at. I won't take my time to explain all the gifts my father had, but it would be enough if I tell you he was very persistent, intelligent, artistic and trouble solving person. He had a company, which he mildly said failed at, many will say it was his fault. Then there are those, who look deeper, and find out that it was actually fault of the system that fucked him up, and when I dig even further I ask myself, whether it indeed is his fault, because he didn't figure out how to fool the system. Of course now first thing that comes into mind is, fooling the system is very difficult and those who manage it, usually don't ever dare to say they did it. So you don't really know whether they came to the top by licking asses and finding flaws in global system, or they only implemented best features of the system and used these to build their path to success. Whole case is like the "egg and chicken" issue. It's hard to come to the bottom.

One thing however, could be pretty easily defined. What was my father's purpose of life? What had he achieved? Everything he ever hoped for, failed - STOP! It did not yet! It is me. I am his last standing creation and it is now upon me whether I will be either a failure or the best use of circumstances and genes given to me...

IT ALL DEPENDS ON ME !!!!!!!!!!!!!
Have you any slightest idea what a responsibility I carry? And yet I most of the time act like I don't give a damn about what I'm doing. I know why. Dammit.

Motivation sinking... no, I must not fall for it. It is trying to stop me from typing now, to stop my thinking and go into random melancholic nothingness. Aaaaaargh! what now?!?! Urgent, i have to think quick how to save my flow of thoughts.... slightly slapping my face, turning on some Mozart, a sip of ionized water. A bit better now... alright where were we...

I will now tell you what is wrong with me first, because it's bothering me more than what's fine. First thing is, I am lazy. I don't even want to write this right now. I usually procrastinate everything till the last moment. I would cut out the part of my brain that is responsible for laziness, if I only could....
Second problem is, connected to the first, i can't get rid of my bad habits. With bad habits most of all I mean letting circumstances carve the happening too much. Take for example I was about to practice piano which I already decided with difficulty because I'm lazy, then a friend walks up and wants to show me his videos or steal my time somehow else. I kindly tell him I'm in a rush and I really should be doing something else but then they will most of the time convince me it will only take 5 minutes and so I give up. It ends up taking an hour of my time of course and what is even worse, my phase of stimulation fades and even though I start doing what I've been there for in the first place, it's not of the same quality. Other bad habits are simpler. I always sleep, eat, work, eat, do anything at severely different time. I have no biorhythm whatsoever. I am insanely addicted to unnecessary information. Including worthless conversations, the internet with all the social networks, articles and videos... The goddamn fact is, too much information is bad for me. It addicts, usually isn't important enough to be kept in head anyway and blocks the more productive thoughts. I turn on the computer to write a plan for the following week and I catch myself typing in my Facebook credentials and I don't even remember how it came to that. And hell no it is not only my fault... or is it? The third paragraph.

The last bad habit is a bit hybrid one. And maybe the most bothering of them all. It's called changing mind. I know we are maturing the whole life so is changing our brain and our needs. Paradoxically to that, the people who have achieved anything in their lives, seem to be persistent at what they do. I'm convinced the inability to stay focused is one of the most destructive symptoms of the Information Overdose Syndrome. Hmm i just made that up. Acronym for that is - hey look, it's "iOS", now I know where Apple is pointing to with all the useless apps games, features and other addictive stuff...

The most scary thing here is, like I stated before, I know the solutions to these problems. Or do I only think I know them? Because I'm definitely not doing them, I just know them. I've made a promise to myself and world countless times, that I'll start doing something. Most of the time, I didn't do anything. The first paragraph. And people will then say, you're not trying hard enough or you're lazy boy and spoiled.
No, I can't take that much fault on my shoulders...? I have to find something or somebody to blame? Let's blame the IOS... but hey that is a part of me? :( And when I thought I won't need to blame myself, I do.

By the way note - I realized writing this post will take much longer than I've ever intended... :S
Also, I don't expect anybody to read this bullshit anyway, it's more of a tool for me to clear up what I'm thinking about because I don't even know that anymore. I just hope i milk myself so much that in the following posts I won't have anything crucial to really write about and I'll be forced to make stuff up, that is the alternative idea behind this post too - to induce improvement of my writing, telling, outputting abilities.

I say, let's prove this, let's test it out then. Usually I fail, maybe this time I won't. And yes I'm aware that according to law of attraction it matters whether I think positively or negatively about the future outcome... I will now type down a vision of what I'd like to be like and how I'd achieve it. Maybe later I'll be able to make some excerpt from that and use it as my own guidance. Hmm how do I start here... I'll need some categories. Behavior, knowledge, skills, abilities, health, wealth, style. Enough? Let's hope and hop in.

#### stopping at 9:07pm, i will revise and complete the post tomorrow ####
EDIT Mon 14.nov 2011 11:52pm NO TIME TO CONTINUE, maybe tomorrow.

Paganini - La Campanella - Roman Kim

2011-01-29T03:05:00.000+01:00

Dear readers - I'd love to share this particular, excellent recording of Paganini's La Campanella by ROMAN KIM.

Enjoy Listening!

Back to blogging!

2010-06-20T13:55:00.000+02:00

Since last time I wrote something so many classified things have happened, but it’s not for anyone so I’ll just continue with describing random awesomeness of my everyday experiences…

Yesterday I came back to Cologne after being in Slovenia for 6 days where I’ve finished all the exams for the 3rd highschool year with very good success. Now all I need to finish is the last, 4th year - except for german language and all the music-relatedsubjects (which I’ve already done)

There are some funny facts I can publish. First would be, 10 days ago I had to prepare a seminar and represent it on the academy, themed “Virtuosi of 19th century” … I did have a concept done but it wasn’t polished at all and needed to be filled up with interesting informations and details etc. One day before the deadline I thought I had two days left but in reallity I had only one night (I’ve mischecked the calendar…) !!
So what I’ve done is quite stupid but it worked: I drank 3 Redbulls and it made me so high that I took giant shears and cut my 15cm long hair to 0.5 cm. Of course it looked terrible, I had a lot of holes and “stairs” everywhere on my head. The next morning I went to a hairdresser and asked them to “save, what can be saved“.

After some thinking, I came up with one really good idea. Everyone will be able to see it in about 6-7 months when I’ll launch a special youtube video. It’s all about cleaning teeth and my hair. The rest is classified and you’ll need to wait for it. I can promise you’ll laugh. Not that anything stupid and bad that happens in my life doesn’t turn out to be a brilliant opportunity for something else. (At this point I’d like to thank every single person on the earth who makes my life more difficult, bitter, tough, sad - whatever. I am very very grateful for all the experiences. What doesn’t kill, strenghtens. A path with no fails has no success. And they don’t even know it - so keep it up, my friends =)

The second thing is that I’ve damn lost my glasses with minus 2.5 dioptry. I literally don’t see anything but stuff that is closer than half a meter to my face. Since 8 days I’ve been living in kind of impressionistic world. Everything is melting and merging around me and world is more interesting than ever. The downside is I’m even more lost on airports and train stations than before and this also results in migrains which I can’t get rid of… I’ll consider going to german optician although I don’t trust them for no particular resaon…

What I’m doing right now Is sitting on a metal web chair on Rösrath train station. And it’s damn cold for summer - must be around 10 celsium. I’m sitting here because sundays the trains timetable is scrambled totally and …. well my train is coming in about 10 minutes and I’ve been sitting here since 20 minutes and out of waiting frustration I took my netbook out of backpack and started typing all this.

Since the dawn of time, I’ve been planning to do something big. And the judgement day is tomorrow, or after tomorrow or somewhere near that. Yes. You have no idea (yet) how awesome is, what is going to happen tomorrow. And dear readers - I decided to share this very delicate and impotant moment with you, so I will record it! (If I’ll find someone who is crazy enough to hold the camera) I’ve been collecting plastic cocacola and apfelschorle and other empty bottles of drinks, which I’ve explicitely bought on the drink machines and minibar from an Italian lady on the music academy of Cologne. I believe I have somewhere over 200 bottles and on that big event, I will bring them all in one bag and give them to the Italian lady and request the 15 cent cash for each of the bottles. If she’ll resist, I will contact the headmaster. I’ve done nothing wrong, I bought them all here so I have the right to return them too. As soon as the video will be done, dear friends, I’ll edit this post and add the video so you can all enjoy it =)

Right now, I want to get some empty note-paper but can’t find it anywhere, and it’s sunday… what a mess. I’d like to compose something unusual and I do have the “Sibelius” program on my computer but I don’t like it because I think it doesn’t resemble composers feelings and thoughts when you can’t see the handwriting.

That’s all for now, folks. Be good and stay up to date for following posts by me ;) maybe tomorrow, maybe next year… maybe never (if the Italian lady terminates me, hehe)

Time moved

2009-10-26T18:34:00.000+01:00

I am waiting for a practising room and because they still haven't finished renewing some of the floors on our academy, we all have hard time getting anything... Two days ago I decided that CocaCola is really unhealthy and for that reason I should drink caffe instead, whenever I need caffeine. This was my first time ever to drink a coffe because I don't like it, but sacrifice in name of better working has to be done... And I burned the top of my tongue... so I couldn't taste anything until the next day. Yesterday I had to play one Rachmaninoff's etude and first movement of his 2nd sonata at one concert in Honrath and there were 4 chinese, 1 romanian, 1 lituanian and 1 slovenian performing. I played quite interesting and so did others. The piano was about 212 cm long Yamaha model S6.
After that we went to eat something and Mark Kantorovic was really hungry because he somehow didn't eat lunch so... and he was completely exhausted after performing on that concert :)
The boss of the house where I live, mr. Reuver, was also there and he brought some friends. At the end he drove me home. One of his daughters has a little baby girl (she is about 1 yr old) and she is terribly afraid of me, she is just one step away from exploding when she sees me... and they are all trying to figure out why I scare the crap out of her and I find it really funny when she screams, no offence, Niva :-)
Time to check if there's any room available yet...

Deutsche Punktlichkeit...

2009-10-19T14:09:00.000+02:00

In this post I will write something about last 3 days and how accurate the German railways are.

On saturday, I came to the academy at 9:15 and then I practiced in room 334 until 14:30, then I reserved room for later and went to eat something. Friends came to tell me that there will be a good concert in the Cologne Philharmony in the evening and I really wouldn't go there but it was Bronfmann playing Brahms 2nd piano conerto with WDR Symphony Orchestra and student-tickets were only 6 euros so... I really had to go!

I have to say it was really impressive, I know that concerto very well and I didn't notice any mistakes or unbalanced intervals or rythmic instablities - this guy really is master of piano.

Next morning I was really looking forward to nice sunday pracising, as there are always enough rooms to practise on sundays... but they threw us all out of the train somewhere and we had to wait 50 minutes on a very cold place for next train because they were repairing something on the tracks i think... Completely cold I came to the academy and practised until evening with some minor interruptions. At 21:15 I went to the train station and I had to wait 70 minutes for nothing, they told us all trains in my direction won't drive that day anymore...! So I had to stay in Cologne overnight, luckily a friend of mine, who lives near the academy, had an extra bed. In the morning I just went back to practising and at 10:00 I had conducting lesson and then practised some more and now I am here doing something on computer in library and I will soon go home because mondays are horrible - no rooms to practice...

(almost) pointless trip to Cologne

2009-10-03T21:06:00.000+02:00

Today is the day West and East Germany reunited.
I woke up around 8 and went downstairs for a brakefast.
I packed my stuff and went to the bus station. The bus should come at half past but it came 5 minutes later... i didn't know that this 5 minute delay could have been a good enough reason to stay home! Once I came to the academy (yeah I wanted to practise there) i realised... it was closed! :@

On sundays and holidays the bus drives 5 minutes later than on saturdays...
So I went to eat some fast food, because there wasn't anything better to find - everything was closed. And afterwards I found a shop with jewelry, parfumes, and sunglasses. I bought some Matrix-like cool sunglasses and even talked them into discount because there was a micro scratch on side of glass :D

In Slovenia, I'd pay about 5 times more for same kind of glasses, so I'm really glad I got them.
Then, of course I went back home...